There are many things people wish to keep secret and hidden from others, because they feel ashamed or worried or because they are scared that other people wont understand .

I have had a deep rooted secret for many years for as long as I can remember one huge secret which has made me feel ashamed and scared and ugly, and at times made me feel suicidal and certainly made me feel like I was abnormal .

I feel like a Man, I want to be a Man, everything inside me is crying out to be a Man, I see myself as a Man, !

I have had many issues about this, and to be honest it has only been in the last few years where I have spoken to other people who feel the same as me , where I feel complete peace with myself. I was born a woman and through my teenage years felt a huge attraction towards women, and I assumed then that I was a lesbian, so throughout the next 20 years have lived my life as a lesbian / dyke always keeping this to myself, or sharing it with only a selected few good friends .

It comes to a head when my partner at that time supported me, and I am due to move abroad where no one knows me as Kristina and a female, it is the perfect time to grab the bull by the horn and do something about it, so I do , I have the counselling and have the hundreds upon hundreds of doctors appointments and even start the testosterone and for a few months feel on top of the world, then my whole world crashes down before me, my wife turns out to be a complete psycho and my marriage abruptly finishes and within days of this my sister dies very unexpected, along with this I have no home and live with a very straight laced woman who can just about deal with the fact that I am a lesbian, and then the news that my youngest niece who was at that time living with her father was not coping and wanted to come and live with me, she was 11 at the time, what could I say, she had just lost her mother and was being left for huge amounts of time on her own when her father was working, she had to come first she had to be my priority, it is stigma enough for a 11 year old to live with an aunt who is a lesbian let alone one who is going through a sex change, she relied on me as an aunt, as a female figure , how on the earth could I let her down at this stage.

So I ended my desire and my need to become a man, and put it on a shelf and ended the testosterone which I hasten to add my body did not like for a second..

Now almost a year later I have found the woman of my dreams, a wonderful partner who supports me and encourages me in everything that I do or want to do with my life, we have moved in together , we have moved districts and everything is new to me and my niece, I have made some wonderful friends on facebook who are or want to go through this process or just simply understand how I feel.

I envy all those women who are currently in transition , but I am keen to know more , I want to know more , I want to live my dream through someone else's eyes, until finally it can be my turn.