What A Day

Today has not been such a great day, feel a bit down over many things and feel like I am letting my partner down.

I suffer very badly with sexual dysphoria , I find my breasts utterly disgusting , I find my body disgusting and this hinders my sex drive totally, I dont even feel like I have a sex drive at all!, so obviously this makes my partner suffer, she still wants me physically , and as a result she feels rejected by me.

Of course this is far from what I want, and I very much desire her, find her attractive and love and worship the ground she walks upon, and no matter how much I try and explain to her how I feel and explain to her that I still love her and want her, and none of this is her fault at all, it still makes her feel rejected and this is causing conflict in our relationship.

From looking on youtube at other peoples blogs and videos I know this is very common with FTM, but none the less, the last thing I want in this world is to make her unhappy and sad, and when she cried this morning it made me feel really bad.

I want to be a good lover, a confident lover, and give her all that she deserves and I deserve, know this will happen in time with T, it did last time. I dont just want to ignore how I feel to make her feel better but at the same time dont want to see my loved one suffer, hurt, and feeling rejected!.

So today has been rubbish and I feel very depressed and hurt and angry that I am putting her through this, when she has been incredibly supportive through this transition for me and not only this many other private things that have gone on in my life over the last five years.

I truly see her as a soul mate in my life's journey.

I am just at a loss in how to make this better, how to make myself feel better about who I am at this moment in time, how to make her understand that it isn't her, it is how I feel about me. how I see myself in the mirror and what I see , I detest!

Well tomorrow is another day, and who knows might get an appointment through the post!

All Change!!

Ok well it is December 2010,

I have decided to re- start my journey of a Female to Male ( FTM), with much support from my other half and the immense support of her family and mine, and not forgetting our friends , it got to a point where I felt totally miserable and unhappy and just could not face the next day of being the female Kris, when all I am doing is longing and yearning for the male Kris to begin. The wait is agonising and quite frankly has made me more and more depressed as the days and weeks and months have gone along.

After much discussion with Nicky ( My Fiancée) and after eventually building enough courage to sit down with the children, to discuss it with them and to see how they felt about it, it was actually more agonising for me than them, they were totally cool and very sensible and asked all the right questions, which I hope we answered for them. It appears that if you have read my earlier blog , that my niece already kind of figured out what was going on and she said " I Dont want you to give up for me, I want you to be happy too" those few words showed me that this girl loves me ,and how I didn't cry at that stage I Dont know, my stepdaughter( to be) was totally amazing and considering that she is 11, showed me she has a huge amount of maturity at such a young tender age.

Of course I know there are going to be huge challenges ahead for them, in the months and years to come, but I honestly feel with such love we all have between us, and with an open dialogue and with any questions and concerns they have , there is nothing this little family can overcome. I think I just made this wall for myself that truly never needed to be there, and the sense of relief was immense, what more can I say, I mean I am truly blessed to have such wonderful kids and such a supportive partner, a very lucky guy!

So the next obvious step was then to go and see my GP, again he was utterly fantastic and stated in no uncertain terms that he would support me all the way, as his first patient with Gender Identity Disorder ( GID) , he obviously didnt know what to do regarding funding and testosterone etc, but told me he would find out, and get in touch with me, the following day I went back to the doctors surgery to have some routine bloods done for my RA, and there on the screen was what I have been looking for , GID on the screen, it was official it was back in play, and even tho I must have looked like a mad person, I was sat in the chair whilst having blood drained out of my arm, I was smiling ear to ear, it was a fabulous feeling!, the long and the short is that I am waiting for an appointment to come through from the gender clinic, where hopefully fingers crossed they will tell me what the next step is.

Anyway it is happening and I cannot be more happier, my partner obviously has her own concerns which of course I totally respect so she has started her own blog to speak about how she feels, and I am sure she will speak openly and truthfully and will hold nothing back.
I am very much looking forward to Christmas with my girl and the kids, and for the first time in a long time cannot wait for tomorrow to take shape.

An overview of the new post editor - Blogger Help

An overview of the new post editor - Blogger Help

There are many things people wish to keep secret and hidden from others, because they feel ashamed or worried or because they are scared that other people wont understand .

I have had a deep rooted secret for many years for as long as I can remember one huge secret which has made me feel ashamed and scared and ugly, and at times made me feel suicidal and certainly made me feel like I was abnormal .

I feel like a Man, I want to be a Man, everything inside me is crying out to be a Man, I see myself as a Man, !

I have had many issues about this, and to be honest it has only been in the last few years where I have spoken to other people who feel the same as me , where I feel complete peace with myself. I was born a woman and through my teenage years felt a huge attraction towards women, and I assumed then that I was a lesbian, so throughout the next 20 years have lived my life as a lesbian / dyke always keeping this to myself, or sharing it with only a selected few good friends .

It comes to a head when my partner at that time supported me, and I am due to move abroad where no one knows me as Kristina and a female, it is the perfect time to grab the bull by the horn and do something about it, so I do , I have the counselling and have the hundreds upon hundreds of doctors appointments and even start the testosterone and for a few months feel on top of the world, then my whole world crashes down before me, my wife turns out to be a complete psycho and my marriage abruptly finishes and within days of this my sister dies very unexpected, along with this I have no home and live with a very straight laced woman who can just about deal with the fact that I am a lesbian, and then the news that my youngest niece who was at that time living with her father was not coping and wanted to come and live with me, she was 11 at the time, what could I say, she had just lost her mother and was being left for huge amounts of time on her own when her father was working, she had to come first she had to be my priority, it is stigma enough for a 11 year old to live with an aunt who is a lesbian let alone one who is going through a sex change, she relied on me as an aunt, as a female figure , how on the earth could I let her down at this stage.

So I ended my desire and my need to become a man, and put it on a shelf and ended the testosterone which I hasten to add my body did not like for a second..

Now almost a year later I have found the woman of my dreams, a wonderful partner who supports me and encourages me in everything that I do or want to do with my life, we have moved in together , we have moved districts and everything is new to me and my niece, I have made some wonderful friends on facebook who are or want to go through this process or just simply understand how I feel.

I envy all those women who are currently in transition , but I am keen to know more , I want to know more , I want to live my dream through someone else's eyes, until finally it can be my turn.