I suffer very badly with sexual dysphoria , I find my breasts utterly disgusting , I find my body disgusting and this hinders my sex drive totally, I dont even feel like I have a sex drive at all!, so obviously this makes my partner suffer, she still wants me physically , and as a result she feels rejected by me.
Of course this is far from what I want, and I very much desire her, find her attractive and love and worship the ground she walks upon, and no matter how much I try and explain to her how I feel and explain to her that I still love her and want her, and none of this is her fault at all, it still makes her feel rejected and this is causing conflict in our relationship.
From looking on youtube at other peoples blogs and videos I know this is very common with FTM, but none the less, the last thing I want in this world is to make her unhappy and sad, and when she cried this morning it made me feel really bad.
I want to be a good lover, a confident lover, and give her all that she deserves and I deserve, know this will happen in time with T, it did last time. I dont just want to ignore how I feel to make her feel better but at the same time dont want to see my loved one suffer, hurt, and feeling rejected!.
So today has been rubbish and I feel very depressed and hurt and angry that I am putting her through this, when she has been incredibly supportive through this transition for me and not only this many other private things that have gone on in my life over the last five years.
I truly see her as a soul mate in my life's journey.
I am just at a loss in how to make this better, how to make myself feel better about who I am at this moment in time, how to make her understand that it isn't her, it is how I feel about me. how I see myself in the mirror and what I see , I detest!
Well tomorrow is another day, and who knows might get an appointment through the post!
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